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I've spent the last few months putting my skills under the microscope and it has been a tremendous learning experience. The results of this will be the subject of another email coming soon titled "Improving on Purpose."
I'm also nearing completion on a project I've been working with my mentor on called the Naturally Magnetic Male Conditioning System.
Now to the topic of this email, Response Anxiety.
I think there are 2 distinct phases of the approach that can cause anxiety:
1. walking over and opening your mouth
2. dealing with the response you get from doing 1.
There are several ways to deal with #1 which I won't go into here, but I have a good lock on handling #2.
Here are some quotes I've compiled from about the place:
"It really doesn't matter what you say. It is more about handling the response. The key is not the opener. The opener does not matter much. The key is how you handle the response. Charisma is amplifying and using responses. You want to gain the skill to read and use a wider range of responses -- that's fun, flexible and makes real connections."
"People aren't going to react the way you want them to react until you find a way to stop caring so much about their reaction."
"Anticipate and expect good connections and behavior and you will get that. The opposite is also true."
"Follow-up is important. Are you waiting for a response? For some IOIs? Don't. Just lead. Go right into an OEQ. Or make fun of yourself, "That's my go-to line," and then ask an OEQ. When you open this boldly, the girls know it is your show, so you have to take charge."
"All you need to do is ask her an open ended question. Appreciate her, relate, and escalate. Thats it."
"If you are smiling, initiating light kino on (or shortly after) opening, talking about yourself, and disqualifying (optional but very powerful), you should come across as non-threatening."
"Charisma helps create an atmosphere to respond intelligently to her reaction."
"But to really get good at opening the best is probably to spend very little time on worrying or thinking about it. Instead work on moving past it. Handle her response. Focus on building a connection. The opener lasts just one second, it's everything else that matters much more. Focus on that."
"Here you reframe the 'response' into something more noble, avoid attacking her ego and take away the reason for her original response. This will encourage more honesty."
"So what is deflection? Deflection is basically responding to someone's insult/criticism/comment without letting it affect you. It is different than ignoring it because you are still responding to what they said, but without the negativity. It is not really about what you say, but how you say it. Voice tone and body language is the key. Respond as if they are a good friend and smile."
"Your attacker may be confused at first. They will most likely pause for a minute and think to themselves: "What the f--k?!? Did he not get what I just said??" In many cases, they will feel bad for being rude. If they press on anyways, they probably just don't like you/themselves/anyone, so who cares. The bottom line is, that they didn't get the reaction they were looking for, and they failed Trust me, I do this all the time and it works great!"
A very big part of approaching is having a warm, friendly, open vibe, assuming rapport and not taking yourself so seriously. Doing this consistently will ensure a higher number of favorable responses, yet we should still be prepared for and comfortable with any type of response.
The response I think everyone least wants is that of anger/hostility.
The key is to short circuit the auto response she is giving.
"You're right... (Pause) I'm sorry I've made you unhappy. (Pause) Come here and tell me what you want me to do. (Pause) And we'll have a big group hug while I'm listening :)"
Another great option is to take her negative response and turn it to something positive.
Maybe she is honest and to the point, or values the time she gets to spend with her friends, or really put some effort into thinking up a particular insult -- if you look hard enough there is always something to appreciate. Negging, cocky/funny, etc, has now become cliched. As Neil said in the book, "a PUA is the exception to the rule." Frustrated guys call her a bitch and storm off, and that "clown guy with the goggles and feather-boa" tries to put her in place.
Finally, you can use the great line from Shallow Hal:
"Shhh, you had me at get lost..." And then go into the movie or how meeting women in bars/clubs, etc in films is inaccurate... it's much easier in real life.
We know the important thing is not what you say, but how you react to her response -- having a few ways to deal with this will be the first step towards removing response anxiety from your approaches.
Renegade runs http://puahelpdesk.com and is dedicated to the study Charisma/Personal Magnetism. He believes that knowledge inspires confidence, confidence inspires action and the more action you take, the more powerful you will become.
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